You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
