I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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