I smell stomach acid.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
