I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
