The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
