I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
