I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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