Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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