so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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