Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Four minutes until I can fart!
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Fuck me I smell like cheese
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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