I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
even my farts smell like vagina
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
