when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
