Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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