Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I have aggressive nipples.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
