420 ftw
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
