Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I AM VODKA MAN
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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