so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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