I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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