Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed