No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
