Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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