I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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