I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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