the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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