I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
