so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
