just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Randomize
