Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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