Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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