I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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