We named our party play list daddy issues
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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