In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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