I hate your face
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
