The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
3 2 1 whiskey
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
