i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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