So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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