true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
