I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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