Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
