so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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