I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
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