I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
