listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I am mentally ready for anal.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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