it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
