Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
