Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Ladies don't puke and tell
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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