Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
