By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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