I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Randomize
