I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
