life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize