i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
