I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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