so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
