Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
