Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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