Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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