happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
