There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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