I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
